I had a teacher who used to wake up in class by shouting: "The early bird gets the worm!" I say "let him have the worm". I hate food that doesn't stay still, and avoid Japanese restaurants for that very reason. Anyway, I stopped eating worms at the age of three, switching to regular breakfasts of cereal(谷物), to which I would add extra sugar.
Recently I was thinking about early birds and the competitive spirit after receiving a letter from a reader in Malaysia: "My son deliberately throws away marks because he doesn't like to be top of the class. What shall I do?" Give him a round of "applause" for being smart! Actually many children in Asia tend to be the focus by performing better.
Placed into a very competitive class when I was 11, I quickly learned the ideal position was second to last. The top three performers and the very last person are highlighted; the second-to-last contestant is INVISIBLE. And it's an easy position to get—just deliberately underperform at every test. I could do that. I once came second to last in eight straight sports day races. No one suspected anything. I was so invisible that I could have robbed a bank in my street and no one would have noticed.
At the London Olympics a few months ago, badminton pairs from three Asian countries deliberately tried to lost matches to draw good lots in later rounds. It was funny to watch, but they were all thrown out for poor sportsmanship. What they really needed were acting lessons, their moves were so unconvincing. "Oops, I hit the ball in entirely the wrong direction."
The other day, I took the children out and they raced for the car. "I'm first," said one. The second said: "First is worst, second is best." Together they sang at the last one: "And third's the one with a hairy chest."
It struck me that the organizers of sports matches could use this song when people deliberately lost matches. "I lost," the delighted loser will say. The judges could still declare them winners, pointing to a new, optional regulation: "First is worst, second is best, third's the one with a hairy chest."
