Closeness and independence are both important in our life. Though all humans need both of them, women tend to focus on the first and men on the second. It is as if their lifeblood ran in different directions.
These differences can give women and men differing views of the same situation, as they did in the case of couple I will call Tracy and Brian. When Brian's old high school friend called him at work and announced he'd be in town on business the following month, Brian invited him to stay for the weekend. That evening he informed Tracy that they were going to have a houseguest, and that he and his friend would go out together the first night to chat like old times. Tracy was upset. She was going to be away on business the week before, and the Friday night when Brian would be out with his friend would be her first night home. But what upset her the most was that Brian had made these plans on his own and informed her of them, rather then discussing them with her before extending the invitation.
Tracy would never make plans, for a weekend or an evening, without first checking with Brian. She can't understand why he doesn't show her the same courtesy and consideration that she shows him. But when she protests, Brian says, "I can't say to my friend, 'I have to ask my wife for permission'!"
To Brian, checking with his wife means seeking permission, which implies that he is not independent, not free to act on his own. To Tracy, checking with her husband makes her feel good to know and show that she is involved with someone, that her life is bound up with someone else's.
Tracy and Brian both felt upset by this incident because it cut to the core of their primary concerns. Tracy was hurt because she sensed a failure of closeness in their relationship: He didn't care about her as much as she cared about him. And he was hurt because he felt she was trying to control him and limit his freedom.
