So you're thinking about breaking up with me. But before doing that, make sure you have examined its short-term and long-term environmental effects.
Let's start simple: consider the great number of gallons of clean, drinkable water that would be wasted by my crying in the shower. Scientists don't have a precise estimate of how much water might be lost, but, considering the length of my listening to the recent two sad albums during the shower, the amount is sure to be catastrophic.
Make no mistake: running from my sweet hug leaves a set of carbon footprints. Your leaving me will start a swift chain of events that results in me at a bar, drunkenly cursing at you with my friends.
At the end of the night, I will be forced to take a taxi home instead of the subway. Those extra carbon dioxide releases are a breakup by-product, as are the single-use plastic bottles of Glacier Freeze-flavor Gatorade I'll surely buy the next morning.
Some effects are more hidden. Should you kick me to the roadside, you must anticipate that I am going to sit there eating ice cream. I will eat ice cream a lot every day, because I have seen sad women do this in movies. This, of course, causes ecological disaster. Not only do dairy cows produce greenhouse gas, but industrial dairy farming can cause the destruction of prairies (北美草原) forests, and other ecosystems. You might meet other interesting women in your life, but good luck is replacing North America's wetlands!
Breaking up with me is a very personal choice, and no one can make it for you. I only hope that you have gained a helpful new way of thinking, one broad enough to deal with the world that waits for you in your single-hood. There might be "other fish in the sea," but will there be actual fish in the real sea? It doesn't look good. Alternatively, we could stay together and preserve this beautiful blue sea for our grandchildren. The Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change and I eagerly wait for your decision.
