Recently, I said something like this to my 13-year-old son: "I've told you a thousand times, just do your work and we can stop fighting. Why don't you just listen to me? I hate having to shout to get you to pay attention."
Creating a peaceful relationship with our children is a huge test of emotional intelligence-and particularly empathy. In the above example, there are a number of emotional intelligence failures. I was angry, so I was reacting unconsciously instead of responding intentionally. Under my anger was a feeling of powerlessness and fear. I was scared that he is not self-motivated and won't do well. I reacted to the fear by attacking. I was trying to use my force of will to make him obey.
The first rule of emotional intelligence: When people feel pushed, they resist. I was blaming him, interpreting his lack of interest in homework as a kind of personal attack on me and implying that he was making me behave the way that I behaved. I was focused on what I wanted and my perspective.
I'd like to focus on this last point, because it turns out that this lack of perspective-taking—this lack of empathy—is the key to easing parent-child tension.
When I increase empathy and relook at the situation with compassion, I see a different story. Perhaps he was afraid, too. Perhaps he felt powerless, too. Perhaps he's learned the exact same pattern I've modeled: When you're afraid, attack.
That moment of curiosity is the doorway to empathy, and it's a game changer. Empathy is not actually a complex skill. It's a basic part of the social brain. That little pause of curiosity is a way to step out of the stress reaction, and step into being the person we choose to be.
Hopefully, I'll remember to take that all-important pause and ask myself: I wonder what's really going on for him right now.
