I will never forget the darkness, the pain and strong desire to die.
November arrived grey and busy, and going into an even more stressful. December, I was filled with anxious thoughts.
A visit to my father's grave is often a good chance to cry and when I leave I feel a little more at peace. But this time was different. I drove home and every night for the rest of that week, I cried.
On Saturday, I watched a TV program teaching baking, and then I started to learn. By the end of the weekend, I had a dining room table covered with sweet treats. I packaged them up in tins, attached a label to each of them with "winter love" on it, and dropped them off on a few of my neighbors' porches (门廊) before work. It shocked me how much it lightened my mood, seeing a small package lost on a porch.
The thanks I received later from the neighbors made me light up. It felt so good, and it distracted me from my dark thoughts.
By January I had developed a routine: on Sunday I'd bake cookies and package them up, and on Monday I'd deliver them. Every week I added a few different people to my delivery route, baked a few different kinds of cookies.
Somewhere along the way things started showing up on my doorstep a homemade cup, a pair of socks with tiny cookies and even a gift certificate from the local bookstore. Every single one melted my heart. But what I really appreciated was how people began to share their own stories of mental health with me. There is no greater honor than to be trusted with another's life. I was overwhelmed by the love and care of my community. It humbled me that something so simple had created such incredible kindness. It reminded me that there was good in me, in my neighbors, in the world.
I was shifting into a new season of light, while letting go of a season of darkness. What had begun as an attempt to bring light into my own darkness had been transformed into a story more beautiful than I could have ever dreamed. It reminded me that there is beauty in being kind. That life is tough, but there is a quiet strength in knowing you are not alone.
