A star athlete at the college where I work recently stopped by my office. Having made a few unforced errors during a weekend match, she was torn apart by self-criticism. "I can't stop beating myself up," she told me. "I'm at peak fitness, and I practice hard. How is this happening?"
Many students I teach, like this athlete, believe that all-nighters in the library and hours on the field should get them exactly where they need to go. When they fall short of what they imagine they should achieve, they are crushed by self-blame.
We often talk about young adults struggling with failure because their parents have protected them from discomfort. But there is something else playing a role in particular: a false promise that they can achieve anything if they are willing to work for it.
Psychologists have sourced this phenomenon to a wrong application of "mindset" research, which has found that praising children for effort will increase academic performance. But a recent analysis found that while praising effort over ability may benefit high-risk or economically disadvantaged students, it does not necessarily help everyone.
The cruel, messy reality is that you can do everything in your power and still fail. Instead of allowing our kids to beat themselves up when things don't go their way, we should all question and doubt a culture that has taught them that stopping to have a rest during study means they're lazy, and that where they go to college matters more than the kind of person they are. It's suggested that parents and teachers should spend time helping students find purpose, or goals they genuinely love to pursue and that make an impact on the world, which may help them gain greater life satisfaction and become more psychologically mature.
The point is not to give our kids a pass on working hard. But we would be wise to remind our kids that life has a way of striking us by surprise when we least expect it. It's often the people who learn to say "stuff happens" who get up the fastest.
