In his 1936 work How to Win Friends and Influence People, Dale Carnegie wrote: "I have come to the conclusion that there is only one way to get the best of an argument — and that is to avoid it. " This distaste for arguments is common, but it depends on a mistaken view of arguments that causes problems for our personal and social lives — and in many ways misses the point of arguing in the first place.

Carnegie would be right if arguments were fights, which is how we often think of them. Like physical fights, verbal (言语的) fights can leave both sides bloodied. Even when you win, you end up no better off. You would be feeling almost as bad if arguments were even just competitions — like, say, tennis tournaments. Pairs of opponents hit the ball back and forth until one winner comes out from all who entered. Everybody else loses. This kind of thinking explains why so many people try to avoid arguments. 

However, there are ways to win an argument every time. When you state your position, formulate (阐述) an argument for what you claim and honestly ask yourself whether your argument is any good. When you talk with someone who takes a stand, ask them to give you a reason for their view and spell out their argument fully. Assess its strength and weakness. Raise objections (异议) and listen carefully to their replies. This method will require effort, but practice will make you better at it. 

These tools can help you win every argument — not in the unhelpful sense of beating your opponents but in the better sense of learning about what divides people, learning why they disagree with us and learning to talk and work together with them. If we readjust our view of arguments — from a verbal fight or tennis game to a reasoned exchange through which we all gain respect and understanding from each other — then we change the very nature of what it means to "win" an argument.