A mix of anxiety rising in my chest and a voice at the back of my mind shouting ‘what's wrong with me?'-it's how I've felt about rejection my whole life.
The earliest rejection I can remember was on my first day of school. I started the term late due to illness and the teacher asked the class who would play with me at break. The silence was deafening. Now, a bit of online dating sees us rejected by half the town before we've even started our day. There's not a break at work. Is there a worse feeling than hitting the final slide on your presentation, boldly asking 'any questions?' and looking around the room to see everyone on their phones?
We need to build resilience. For me, this has come in two stages. First, I spent time listening to the voice of fear that saw each rejection as proof that there was something wrong with me. When I analysed it, I could see it was rarely about me. Perhaps the guy I was talking to was too busy to reply. It was likely that the magazine I'd sent a passage to already had an article on that topic. Now, I assume it's about me 20 per cent of the time-and I can live with that.
The other thing I do is practice rejecting. Because I hate rejection, I shy away from being the rejector, which means I either please people or avoid tricky situations. Instead, I've come up with a few lines for when I want to say no: 'That sounds great but it's not for me; thank you for asking but I decline; it was lovely but I think we should leave it there.' It's never pleasant to reject a person but there is a kind way to do it. With resilience and clarity, we can see the plus sides of rejection: it frees us up to do something else, be with someone else and be happier. We can't complain about that.